Simmer Down and Pucker Up
by Sinncity
Summary: Maybe it would have been better, if he just left things alone. Because he wouldn't remember Phils laugh in such avid detail, or how much his eyes light up when he get excited over the littlest, almost meaningless things. After Dan's forced to pick between his family and Phil, he realizes he's made the biggest mistake of his life; but he's going to fix it. Dan Howell/ Phil Lester


**Title:** Simmer Down and Pucker Up  
**Pairing:** Dan Howell/ Phil Lester with a bit of Chris Kendall/ PJ Liguori  
**Rating:** M  
**Warnings:** Swearing and fluff/smutt with a bit of angst and awkward scenarios. Breakups and getting back together!  
**Summary: **Maybe it would have been better, if he just left things alone. Because he wouldn't remember Phils laugh in such avid detail, or how much his eyes light up when he get excited over the littlest, almost meaningless things.

After Dan's forced to pick between his family and Phil, he realizes he's made the biggest mistake of his life; but he's going to fix it.

**Notes: **Longest one shot I've written so far, and definitely the most angsty. Let me know if you enjoyed reading it!

* * *

Dan knows who it is before he even answers the phone. It's not as if he has someone that calls him so often that it's bound to be them. He just has different ring tones for each person on his contact list, which he doesn't believe is lame, no matter how many times Chris mentions it.

It's not as if he's surprised to find its PJ calling. They are still friends, or as much of friends as they can be after everything that happened. Dan just lets it boil down to the fact that it's complicated and they don't really talk all that often. He purposely tries to avoid the reason as to _why _it was complicated to begin with.

Dan answers on the third ring, "Hey."

"Hey Dan, nice of you to answer your phone for once!" PJ replies, he sounds a little faint; like the phones a little too far away from his mouth. Dan can almost picture him sitting there, talking to Dan with the phone squished between his face and shoulder while he attempts to work on his latest project.

"How's it going?" Dan asks.

"I'm good—pretty awesome, actually. How are things on your end?"

"Yeah, things are…fine." He pauses and debates what to say next, deliberately stoping himself from asking a totally stupid question like _how's the weather?_ Dan's always been horrible during awkward situations. He thinks to himself that it shouldn't be awkward, that PJ is still his friend, but there's unusual tension between them these days, things aren't the same as they used to be no matter how hard he tries to change it."Any reason you rang?"

PJ laughs. "Straight to the point then, Howell? Not for lingering phone conversations? Here I was thinking I'm special." Dan can picture him shaking his head as he says it, but he knows there still a smile on PJ's face.

"It was more the fact that I generally suck at talking to people in general. Socially incompetent Dan. It's a thing, remember?" It's mostly true, except for one person in particular. He'd never had trouble talking with Phil.

"You're not as bad as you think-well okay, sometimes you remind me of Wendy's father from the real life _Peter Pan _movie who couldn't even talk to his boss about the weather. Sometimes if you're lucky, you look like a drowning fish whenever people you don't know ask you a question. But that's only occasionally."

"I don't think fish can drown, Peej." Dan replies dryly.

PJ laughs a little more and Dan can't help but start grinning. His missed it; misses having PJ as a friend. Misses PJ in general. He misses a lot of things.

"Anyway." PJ says. "I've called you on official YouTube business. They're having a party."

Dan's not too sure he likes the sound of this. "Right."

"And you're invited."

"Of course I am."

It's not a question, because he has no doubt that he would be. His YouTube subscriptions are almost at the four million mark. They slowed down for the while; after all there was a period of about five months where he hadn't been able to make a video. When Dan started back up again his fans had been super happy, his content was pretty much the same iconic situations he'd previously made. He just doesn't do collaborations anymore, and by collaborations, he means videos with Phil.

Everyone had tried to keep in touch, but Dan hadn't done much socialising before everything happened, let alone after. It was only a matter of time before everyone drifted apart. Everyone was destined to eventually. That's what Dan kept telling himself.

And then there was that thing with Phil. That didn't help.

"Two weeks, on the 14th. I expect you to be there."

Dan swallowed. "Just you?"

"Not just me, _everyone._"

Dan knew exactly what he was saying. Everyone was going to be there; all the big shot YouTubers living in Britain. Everyone that he hadn't seen in almost a year.

It also happened to include Phil Lester.

The same Phil Lester which Dan hasn't spoken to in over a year.

Why? Because Dan is, in his own mind, a total fucking _idiot._

He pauses for too long. That, and PJ still knows him way too well.

"Don't you bail on me, Dan. I swear to god, I will bring Chris over and we will actually drag you there ourselves, if we have too."

Dan doesn't doubt that he will. "I know Peej, its just-"

PJ lets out a sign, his voices losing its teasing tone. Somehow, Dan thinks that's worse than any threat he could give him. Because he really doesn't deserve anyone's kindness. "Don't make excuses Dan. I get it, okay? Everyone gets it. But really, it was ages ago."

He knows what PJ means, and he's right. So he digs for the wittiest remark he can find, which ironically, isn't very cleaver at all. But he'll take what he can get. "Please don't tell me this is the part where you become Doctor Phil and continuously ask me _how do you feel about that?_"

"If I was going to become anyone, it would be Chuck Norris."

"Why him?"

"Are you kidding me? Chuck Norris is a total badass. Everyone knows that."

Dan grins, because that's exactly the type of thing PJ would say, still does say, apparently.

"So you're coming, right."

Dan sighs. "Yeah, I'll go."

He can almost feel PJ's smile though the phone. "Great! I gotta run, planets to save and videos to film, but I'll call again later okay?"

"Yeah, no problem. Bye, PJ."

"See ya, Dan."

Dan groans, because this? This is a fucking _stupid idea._

**xx**

Dan's apartment isn't really that bad. It's pretty spacious, more so than he possibly needed, and it isn't as if he has annoying neighbours that come round and knock on his door day and night. He has all his furniture and it ties in nicely with the colour of the walls. Everything is weirdly fitting and put simply, it's nice. It's just a nice apartment. Which Dan should be really happy with.

But he's not.

He's constantly comparing his apartment to the one he used to share with Phil. Which, seems sort of like it was forever and five years ago, it's not though. It's only been a year, but it might as well have been a life time.

Dan still has the same couch; it's even got his internet browsing indent. It doesn't feel the same though, because it doesn't have Phil on it. He's not sprawling out and attempting to take up as much room as he possibly can, just so that Dan doesn't have anywhere to sit. Now it's filled with various throw pillows, which his mother had picked out.

His couch isn't the only different thing. His pantry is also vastly different. It used to be filled with every Haribo known to mankind. The type that was sickly sweet and pretty much lived up to everyone's childhood fantasy, because after all, Phil was the biggest kid Dan knew. Now it's just filled with assorted muesli bars and Cheerios.

Not to mention his bed. Now it just always seems too big,

So yeah, Dan still has his furniture, in his apartment, but it doesn't really feel like it's _his._

**xx**

**July 2012**

Seeing Phil smile is addictive. It is pretty much one of the most perfect things Dan believes he has ever seen. Phil's smile is gorgeous, he shows a little bit of teeth and his tongue sticks out just slightly. Dan craves it, practically lusts for it. What's even better is when Dan's the one that causes him to do it; all teeth and bright blue eyes. Dan's pretty sure Phil doesn't realize how perfect it actually is.

"Stare any longer and the drool will actually run down your chin."

Dan blinks and immediately looks away from Phil, who has obviously caught him staring, probably like a deer caught in head lights. Not that he'd ever admit to that.

"You wish. Trust me when I say no one actually wants to look at you for longer than completely necessary." Dan teases, adjusting himself next to Phil on the couch. It's completely untrue. If Dan had it his way, he probably wouldn't look at anything that wasn't Phil.

"I dunno," Phil remarks. "I'm pretty sure I saw some drool."

Dan rolls his eyes, a smile on his face. "I think you're seeing things. Maybe you need to change your prescription."

Phil laughs and Dan takes back his former statement. He's pretty sure that's even more addictive then his smile.

"You're just jealous of my awesome movie picking skills."

"Awesome isn't that word I'd use for it. Kill Bills a classic. Although I'm not sure how needing to change your glasses prescription relates to your ability to pick good movies. Maybe we should move onto the topic of your shotty video game skills while we're at it."

Phil shoves some more popcorn into his mouth. He's eaten half the bowl already and the movie only started 10 minutes ago. He drops a little bit on the couch, his face scrunching up a little as he goes to reach it. Dan's pretty sure his actions are always unintentionally adorable.

"While you were playing guitar hero I was watching Buffy. No regrets."

"Egotistic much?" Dan offers with a grin on his face, which apparently is either sexy or awesome or amazing or _something _because Phil's lips are suddenly on his. It isn't anything new, but every time it's just as awesome; especially when Phil licks his bottom lip, sticking his tongue inside Dan's mouth.

Phil pulls away, just slightly. He's still really close, close enough that Dan can feel Phil's breath on his lips. "You _sure _that's the right word for it?"

Dan groans, because Phil's lips could be used for something much more imaginative than talking at this current moment.

"Oh Jesus, _shut up already."_

It doesn't take long for things to get heated, a few quick movements and then it's all tongues and a little teeth. It takes even less time for Dan to realise his pants are becoming way too tight, even fewer for them to be shoved off and then shown how good Phil's mouth actually is.

Also, Dan is pretty sure that Phil might actually be correct when he says he's awesome. Dans just not going to give him the satisfaction.

**xx**

Dan is absolutely not freaking out about the party. He is absolutely not on the verge of calling with an excuse not to go. Most importantly, he is absolutely not freaking out about the fact that Phil will be there. No, absolutely not. At least, that's what he's trying to tell himself.

He's dressed up, somewhere in between neat casual and semi-formal. A nice pair a black jeans and a button down dark blue shirt with a comfortable pair of shoes. People have always told him he looks good, no matter what he wears. His fans would probably fight others over it. Even though a lot of people tell him that, it doesn't make him feel any less self-conscious.

Dan's always been a little bit shy. At a convention, it had always taken him a little while to get comfortable with an audience. Take him a while to get into the 'hi, how are you' hug mode that pretty much came with every meet and greet. He didn't really show it; sometimes there'd be an awkward laugh or a lop-sided smile and it didn't last forever.

This wasn't exactly a con; this was a sort-of reunion, which happened to be filled with a bunch of people that Dan hadn't spoken to in months, some of them in years. His palms were sweaty at the thought of having to be around everyone again, unspoken words and looks that he wasn't sure he was ready to face.

Maybe Dan would have been happy to see everyone again, if it wasn't for the fact he was ridiculously nervous about seeing Phil.

His mobile rings and for a split second he thinks PJ might be here to pick him up, but the tone doesn't belong to PJ, it belongs to Chris Kendell.

"Hi, Chris" Dan greets.

"What are you wearing?" Chris asks. He doesn't sound drunk, but that's the sort the question Chris would ask if he was.

"What?"

"It better not be pyjama pants."

Dan can't help the confused expression that crosses his face. "Still not understanding here."

"You're not answering my questions, Dan." Is all Chris replies with.

"I'm not wearing pyjama pants."

"Then what are you wearing?"

"Are you hoping it's nothing? Because that's a little weird, even for you."

Chris snorts into the phone. "I've already seen you naked, and once was more than enough."

"Button down press shirt and jeans."

That's apparently exactly what Chris wants to hear because he has a weird high note in his voice. "So you're not being chicken shit and bailing?"

Dan rolls his eyes. "Asshole, of course I'm not."

He laughs. "PJ would have kicked your ass if you didn't show up."

"I'm sure he would have kicked more than my ass."

"Probably." Chris agrees, theres amusement lacing his tone. "Just for the record, you lost me $50. I bet you'd pull a sixteen year old girl move and bail, but PJ was convinced that you'd show up."

"You're a total jerk, you know that?" Dan retorts though he's not mad, quite the opposite in fact. He has missed Chris as much as he's missed PJ.

"One of a kind."

"And I really hate you."

"No, you don't." Chris hangs up, because he knows he's right.

**xx**

As soon as Dan arrives he sort of wants to melt into the ground. The venue isn't super packed, but there are a few familiar faces that he would rather avoid then even contemplate talking too.

It doesn't take long before Dan's standing by the drink bar, alcohol in hand. He's hoping that standing in a corner might avert any unwanted attention, that optimism doesn't last very long.

"Dan!"

The voice is instantly recognisable. After all, it's not exactly easy to forget someone who Dan would have called a best friend; he still is in a way. Now there is just a lot more tension and several taboo topics.

"Peej, hey." Dan says, before he's engulfed in a hug, which given the right circumstances and a little more muscle could probably cause bruising if it was just a little harder. "How's it going?"

"It's good to actually see you in the flesh." PJ replies, completely ignoring Dan's former question. "I was beginning to think you'd become allergic to the sun or something."

Dan grins. "Technically it's night, so for all you know I might be."

"Is that why you always dress as a vampire at Halloween?" Carrie questions**, **coming up behind them, champagne in hand.

"Called it." PJ quips.

"Uh huh." Carrie responds before turning to Dan and giving him a smile before pulling him into a hug. He hasn't seen her in well over six months. "Hey Dan, been a while."

The two of them look the same. PJs still deviously handsome; blue eyes wide and bright and vibrant. Suited up and ready to give the world a run for its money. Then there's Carrie. She's all brown eyed, blonde and beautiful. With the same quirky and sweet smile that could turn deadly if you didn't play your cards right. The kindness is still there. The understanding that Dan wishes didn't shine through in her eyes. The same understanding that shines through so many of his friends eyes. The kind of understanding he wholeheartedly believes he doesn't deserve.

"Yeah." Dan responds with, sipping his drink. He's happy to see them both, but he's fidgety and nervous all at the same time. "How have you been anyway? I heard you're almost finished with Les Mis."

Carrie nods, curls bouncing. "Yeah, it's a bit sad, because I've been doing it for so long, but after I'm taking a small break before War of the Worlds, which is just as exciting."

Dan admires Carrie, more then he'd admit. She's living out her dreams, at the age of 21. He used to live his dream too; YouTube and radio 1 DJ. Now there isn't a radio 1 and YouTube's not quite the same.

"Both of you should come toothe first show! It's going to be amazing." Carrie says, excitement evident in her voice.

"Sure!" PJ exclaims, genuinely excited. He's always been up for adventure and new experiences.

Dan swallows, if he says yes there probably isn't any way he can get out of it later. He wants to support Carrie though; they are friends after all, even though he probably doesn't deserve her friendship. "Okay, sounds great."

Carrie flashes them both a huge smile and Dan almost believes he won't regret that decision.

**xx**

It must be close to an hour or so later, because Dan finally has a semi decent buzz going and the lot of people have started clearing out and spreading around. He's felt a little trapped all evening, despite everyone who came over being immensely friendly. He feels awkward and pressured; answering the same questions over and over every time someone else comes around. Dan appreciates their gestures, but there is only so much a person can take, so he thinks no one can exactly blame him for drowning a few drinks and excusing himself for a moment of fresh air.

He manages to slip out the glass door unnoticed and walks onto the porch. The view of the city is spectacular, Dan's always liked the city lights and he lets out a few deep breaths, feeling calmer then he has all night.

"Figures you'd be out here too." A voice says from behind him.

Dan nearly jumps out of his skin, feeling his pulse quickening. When he turns around there is Phil, sitting on one of the outside chairs looking directly at Dan before moving his gaze to the scenery in front of them. His expression is unreadable and Dan struggles to breathe.

Dan tries to remember how to speak. "Uh, yeah," he replies sheepishly. He's staring at Phil in what he suspects is a mixture of awe and horror. There are a million and one things running though his mind right now, he isn't even sure if what he's seeing is real.

"Bit crowded."

Phil is still staring out onto the city and Dan tears his eyes away from him, desperately focusing on something else.

Both of them have never been the greatest at huge parties or social gatherings. Something they both had in common, often choosing to opt out on big events and go for something small like a movie night at home.

Dan swallows. He's treading on forbidden territory. He wills himself to think of anything that isn't the past, but it's more than just a little hard when Phil is _right there. _

Dan licks his lips and lets out another "yeah." There isn't really a possibility of him forming proper sentences and he almost wants to hit himself. This is the first time he has seen Phil in over a year and he has practically lost all ability to speak.

Silence fills the air and all that's heard is the whistle of the slight breeze and the thump of the music inside.

He sees Phil fiddle with his fringe out of the corner of his eye, and Dan picks at the hem of his shirt slightly, willing himself to think of something, anything to say.

"What have you been up too?"

Phil lets out a small sigh and shrugs slightly. "Not much, same things mostly."

Dan opens his mouth to ask another question, because there is so much he doesn't know, so much he needs to have the answers too. Nothing is the same as it was.

Phil beats him to the punch. "You?"

"Umm, pretty much the same. Just YouTube."

His answer is no better, and he almost lets out a string of curse words, because this situation is all Dan's fault and Phil is acting like a shell of his former self, nothing like he was when they were together.

Slowly, Phil gives a small nod and glances back at Dan for the second time that evening. Seconds tick by in which nothing is said, and then Phil rises from the seat, shoving his hands inside his jumper pockets. "Well," he says, biting his lip slightly. "I suppose I'll see you in there."

"Yeah," Dan says for the upmost time. He stands still until after the door clicks softly shut and he blows out a deep breath, turning back to look at the shimmering lights.

Dan should probably be cold by now, after standing out in the chilly London air for so long. He's not though. His heart is still beating at a million miles an hour and there is a possibility that all the time in the world wouldn't be able to slow it down.

He wonders how much longer he'll stand out here before he's ready to go back inside.

**xx**

It takes a good 20 minutes before Dan is ready to face the world again, or at least that's what he tells himself. It's dark outside when Chris joins him. The apartment is a lot quieter, music playing softly and people are starting to filter out. This should probably make Dan feel a little more relaxed, but it doesn't. He still has tonight's earlier events running on replay though his mind. It's far from comforting.

Chris hands him another drink, and Dan is eternally grateful. Alcohol doesn't solve problems but it makes them somewhat better for at least a few hours.

"So, Howell. Enjoying the company?" Chris questions, sipping on his beer. Dan almost lets out a sigh; he's not sure if Chris is referring to the fact he's blatantly avoiding everyone inside or that he had a semi-not- really conversation with Phil. Maybe it's a bit of both.

"Who needs social interaction with other humans anyway?" Dan jokes.

Chris shakes his head, a small smile on his lips. "You do, a lot. I'm almost worried that one day I'll rock up at your house and find you dead, covered in cats-"

"I'm more of a fish person, animals are too much responsibility."

"And that's why I've decided you're staying the night at mine and Pj's." Chris continues, un-phased by Dans previous interruption.

Dan almost chokes on his drink. "You what?"

"Common, we all know you've missed this gorgeous face."

Dan stares at him rather blankly. However, as much as he wants to deny it, it's been way too long since he's had a day with either of his friends. "I suppose your apartment is closer than mine…"

"Is that a cave I'm hearing?" Chris retorts.

"Oh Jesus, don't make me regret saying yes." Dan warns, rolling his eyes at his friend's not-so-funny sense of humour. Chris steps a little closer, wrapping Dan in a one handed hug.

"It's the face. Seriously. No one says no to the face." Chris gives his best vouge face impression and Dan can't help it as he lets loose a smile.

"That's literally terrifying. Please stop, I'm worried your about to turn into a male version of Kristen Stewart." Dan shudders slightly at the thought.

"Do you think Peej would find that more or less attractive in the bedroom?"

Dan skulls the rest of his drink. It's going to be a long night.

**xx**

The rest of the night is a bit of a blur. There are still a lot of people that come up and talk to Dan, he's a little more confident and he's fully aware that it's because of the alcohol. He mingles and chats politely, and lets out loud laughs at jokes that probably aren't as funny as he's currently finding them.

"You're looking good, Dan." Louise announces and Dan lets out an abruptly loud laugh, because apparently appearances are very deceptive.

It's about two am before PJ and Chris manhandle him into a Taxi, he's not exactly in any state of mind to say no, sleepy in his drunken haze, he's never been more grateful for having friends that don't abandon him when he fucks up.

**xx**

Dan awakes to the smell of eggs and bacon. He's got a minor head ache and he's pretty sure his body is more dehydrated then it's been in a long time; probably because he hasn't drunk that much in god knows how long. His mouth tastes like something crawled there and died, he wishes more than anything that he'd brought a toothbrush because the taste of stale vodka in his mouth is strong enough to make him feel ill.

Letting out a small groan Dan shifts into a sitting position. He's in PJs spare bedroom and his a little glad he still remembers how he got here, because there isn't really anything worse than completely forgetting the night before. Some things are a little hazy though, his not exactly sure he remembers most of last night's conversations.

It takes Dan a few moments to pull himself out of bed and make his way into the kitchen. The dull ache in his head is becoming more predominant, he'd kill from some pain killers.

Dan rounds the corner, pausing in the doorway. Chris is leaning against the bench top, arms resting behind him. There is an open pill bottle next to him and Dan grins a little, apparently he isn't the only one who ran a little loose last night.

"Hey" Dan greets and both Chris and PJ turn their head in his direction. He feels a little like a trespasser, it's been so long since he's stepped foot in PJs house.

"Morning!" PJ greets, grinning at Dan before turning his attention back to the stove in front of him. His voice is cheery and Dan almost lets out a groan, PJ has always been a better morning person then him. "How you feeling?"

"Uh- okay, sort of?" It comes out as more of a question then Dan intends it too and to his displeasure Chris gives him a shit eating grin.

"Sure thing, Howell." Chris quips looking at him before glancing over at the bottle of open pills. "I suppose you won't need any of these then."

Dan considers saying no; he doesn't want to give Chris any sort of satisfaction. His head, however, is telling him otherwise. "Don't let it go to your ego."

"Don't think that's possible." PJ jokes and Chris pouts slightly. "It doesn't even matter if it's not a compliment. All goes to the same place, there's enough room up there, so I suppose it's some sort of compensation.

"Yeah right! I don't need to compensate for anything." Chris states with a wink. "You know better than most Peej."

"Chris!" PJ exclaims, his hand tightening around the pan handle slightly.

"My sex skills are top notch. You definitely don't complain when we're-"

"Oh _Jesus._" PJ groans, there is a blush on his cheeks and he looks torn between wanting to slap Chris and wanting to fall onto the floor. "Don't even think about finishing that sentence."

Dan bursts into a fit of laughter, clenching his stomach slightly in an attempt to keep himself standing. Chris's smile is filled with satisfaction, it's better than any sentence.

"Oh man, Peej, you're face-" Dan starts, but suddenly there's a voice behind him and Dan instantly swallows his words.

"I uh, got the bread." Phil's voice is practically ringing in Dan's ears; his eyes are slightly wide as he glances backwards, a slight sense of panic filling his body as his movements lock in place.

"Oh right, thanks Phil." PJ says and Dan feels Phil brush past him slightly and make his way over to the toaster. Dan's still frozen slightly, there's a tense vibe filling the air and everyone looks a little uncomfortable.

Dan finds it almost ironic, because this used to be one of the only times he felt truly comfortable, surrounded by his close friends. He almost lets out a bitter laugh at the thought.

"So, I'm all for awkward silences, but I'm fucking starved and in much need of fatty foods to improve my hang over." Chris declares. "So if we could skip all the anxious stares and sexual tension that would be great."

Phil let out a small choking sound and all Dan can do is stare; Chris has never been the most subtle person but this almost takes it to a whole new level.

"Breakfast is ready." PJ inputs, he shoots a glare at Chris in a very uncharacteristic way. Dan's not quite sure how to respond. Chris has pretty much mentioned the elephant in the room and somehow it's managed to make everything even more awkward then before.

Dan purposely sits next to PJ once everyone has grabbed their food and shuffled into the dining room. He doesn't think sitting next to Phil would warrant as the greatest idea he's ever had, no matter how many pouting faces Chris pulls at him from across the table.

"Breakfast is great, Peej. Always knew you'd make a good housewife." Chris exclaims, a grin filling his face. PJ shakes his head from across the table, looking down in an attempt to hide his smile.

"How do you even put up with him?" Phil asks. Dan isn't used to hearing his voice, every time Phil speaks a shiver runs down his spine.

"I ask myself that all the time." PJ replies. "I think the answer is with a lot of caffeine. It's more than a necessity."

Chris lets off a fake sniff.

"It could be worse," Dan says after swallowing a bite of his eggs. "He could have said with a lot of booze."

"I tried not to mention it but that works too, works wonders, actually." PJ retorts and Chris lets out a strangled noise, like he sucked in far too much air and Dan can't help but laugh at the expression on his face. Neither can anyone else apparently, because PJ lets out a hearty laugh and Phil covers his mouth with his hand as small giggles pass his lips.

Dan had almost forgotten what his laugh sounded like. He tries to choke back any unwanted thoughts as he attempts to devour his food.

There is a predominant pause as Dan finally finishes his meal. He's pretty sure there are three pairs of eyes on him, wondering what is about to happen next. The coward's move, some would call it. Bail while the goings good. That's exactly what he's planning to do.

"So, thanks for breakfast." He stands up a picks up his plate, paddling over to the kitchen behind him and placing his plate and cup in the dishwasher. "But I should probably be heading off."

"Good luck with that." Chris says, before shoving more food inside his mouth. Dan looks at him with a raised eyebrow.

"Um, what's that supposed to mean exactly?"

"Well, I don't know about you, but it's going to be a little hard to get back to your apartment without the essentials." Chris shrugs and sips on his tea.

Dan is a little more than confused. "What do you mean?"

"Ya know, can't call a cab without a phone, can't pay for a service without your wallet and you can't exactly get into your apartment without your keys."

Dan looks at Chris in disbelief, patting at his jean pants before realizing it's empty. He's pretty sure he left everything on the kitchen counter top, and now, it's not there. Dan glances over at PJ and all he does is hold up his hands, like it will aid his defence.

"I had nothing to do with this." PJ admits looking slightly panicked. "Chris Kendell, are you actually _insane_?"

Usually that's a sentence that's said as a joke, but this time it's entirely serious.

Dan's not sure what to say because this situation is almost too surreal to actually be happening. He just stands there blinking, looking directly at Chris.

"Possibly," Chris says like he might be contemplating it. "But seriously, don't be a wimp."

"Are you going to give me my stuff back?" Dan questions, he's still trying to wrap his head around the whole situation, and by the looks of it, everyone else on the table apart from Chris is too.

"Nope."

A groan passes through Dan's lips and he contemplates falling face first into the countertop.

"Chris-" Phil starts.

"Dan's staying." Chris says firmly, looking as though his patience has run its course. "_Everyone _is staying, okay? I'm tired of this bullshit. It's been over a year and everyone needs to get the fuck over it. We're supposed to be the fantastic foursome, I miss my friends and this is the first time we've all been together in far too long. So we are all going to put the past behind us, eat a shit load of junk food and spend the rest of the weekend together even if it fucking kills us."

Chris's slants in his chair slightly, whatever fight he had ripped out of him. His face is red and Dan feels totally shocked. He's never seen Chris like that before. He didn't even think Chris had the emotional capacity to speak in anything but sarcasm and humour.

The words sink in and Dan tries to think of something to say, he doesn't have too however, because Phil beats him to the punch. "Alright, we'll stay."

Dan doesn't have it in him to disagree.

**xx**

Dan had always thought that eventually he'd find the right person to settle down with. Sure he'd been in a long term relationship that didn't pan out exactly as he'd planned, but he's dated a few people since then. He's been in a number of relationships and most of them were great.

Except for the fact Dan had that nagging voice in the back of his head. The one that compared everything they did to Phil.

At first he'd thought that it was just because he and Phil had been best friends for over five years and he was just used to what Phil would have done, not his girlfriend. He'd compare their hugs to Phils, their laugh when they reacted to a joke he'd told. It wasn't until one day, however, when he'd caught himself imagining how different it would be kissing Phil, that he realised something was wrong.

As it turned out, Dan realized that he was in love with his best friend and _not _the women he was currently dating.

The break up had been a little messy, because it wasn't as if he could just announce to the world that he suddenly recognized he was bi and wanted Phil.

'_I just- I just don't love you'_ is what he'd ended up going with. He kind of thought that was a lie; he did love her, just not in the same way he loved Phil.

**xx**

Dan tells himself to relax, his movements are stiff and it's obvious as he walks behind Phil and into the lounge that this whole situation is more than uncomfortable. He takes the furthermost seat on the couch, and by furthermost he basically means the one on the opposite side of Phil.

His not exactly sure what the protocol is, but he does his best to avert his eyes from Phil and not speak to him directly.

"So, movies. Go!" PJ proclaims chucking a bunch of films on the coffee table in front of them.

There is a wide array, most of which Dan has seen. After all, the four of them always had the same sort of taste when it came to TV shows, game and movies.

"I vote The Notebook." Chris says, wide smile on his face.

There is a collective sigh amongst the other males within the room.

"We are not watching the Notebook." PJ proclaims and Chris' smile immediately drops.

"But it's filled with such love and sensitivity!"

Dan rolls his eyes, somewhat secretly amused by his friends behaviour. He's about 98 percent sure Chris is joking, but it wouldn't surprise him if he was also being entirely serious. "Which makes me wonder why you like it."

Phil and PJ let off a small laugh and Chris sinks back in his chair, smile on his face.

"I'm plenty sensitive and loving and cuddly and all that crap Peej loves and can't seem to live without." Chris proclaims, hands resting behind his head.

PJ elbows Chris in the side, causing a yelp to erupt from the male.

"Different movie, got it." Chris says, before placing a small kiss on PJs cheeks and smiling unapologetically.

"Zombieland?"

Dan flinches slightly, because it wasn't just his voice that said the sentence, but also Phils. He risks a glance at older male and quickly averts his eyes as he realizes Phil has done the same. He fidgets with his hands slightly, unsure of what to do with them.

"Um, majority rules I suppose." PJ raises his eyebrow, moving towards the blue ray player, disk in hand. Chris as some sort of smug smile on his face, like the current situation is causing him way too much pleasure.

Oddly enough the zombies on screen are somewhat calming; familiar and distracting. When the next movie plays Dan allows himself to sink slightly in the couch and munch on the remaining cold popcorn, pretending nothings ever been any different.

**xx**

Dan's not sure what time it is when he gives up trying to fall asleep. Today's been exhausting in all sorts of ways yet sleep still manages to escape him. It's still dark as he navigates around the house, in a pair of borrowed pyjama pants and bare feet. He flicks on the light in the kitchen and his heart skips a beat when he finds someone else rooting through the refrigerator.

Dan swears as he sees Phil turn around, container in hand. "Jesus Christ!"

"Sorry." Phil mutters, biting his lip and looking guilty. "Didn't mean to scare you."

Once his heart stops pounding Dan lets out a slow breath and moves over towards the bench, leaning against it slightly. He wonders if maybe he should have just turned around and walked straight back out the doorway. He glances from Phil and back to the container, deciding against it. He's an adult after all, not a teenage girl, he should act his age and be mature about this whole, incredibly awkward circumstance.

"Hungry?" Dan asks nervously, almost afraid too many words will make Phil snap.

Phil gives a small nod and moves over to the microwave, shoving the food inside and starting the heating process. "Couldn't sleep, mostly."

Dan raises his eyebrows, Phils never really used to have a problem sleeping. Once he was out he generally slept like a log. Even when they were together 3am was usually his limit and after that he'd be out like a light. It makes Dan wonder whether this whole situation is screwing with his head too.

There is a small silence as Dan nods his head in understanding. The microwave beeps and Dan jumps slightly, snapping out of his own thoughts.

Phil pulls the food out and looks at Dan, sealing his lips together and bitting back words. Dan pushes himself off the bench; he's clearly making Phil uncomfortable. "Look I can just go-"

"No, it's okay…I mean, just, do you want some?" Phil speaks softly, it's almost timid and Dan's heart lurches.

"Uh, yeah. If that's okay." Dan says and Phil pulls out two forks before opening the lid and revealing the nights left over pasta.

Dan walks back through the doorway and stops when he reaches the other side of the kitchen countertop. This is the first time he's been opposite Phil in forever, and it fills him with an almost overwhelming feeling. He misses Phil, misses his sharp blue eyes and perfect pale skin.

Picking up the fork, Dan digs in and takes some of the pasta. "You haven't really changed much... your appearance, I mean. I uh- really need to stop talking sorry."

Phil's eyes go a little wide, as surprised by that sentence as Dan is for saying it. Dan drops his fork and covers his face with his hands.

"I'm kind of still an awkward person. Who doesn't think things through before I talk. Freaking hell." It comes out so fast that Dan's almost question if he said anything at all. He did though, and all he thinks is _I'm such a freaking idiot. _

Phil lets out a small snort, and Dan frowns because it takes a moment to realize Phils laughing.

"_You _haven't changed either, it seems."

Dan opens his mouth in some sort of protest, but the words get lost in this throat and his cheeks turn slightly red. "Yeah, still an idiot," he mutters.

"And still an aggressive video gamer?" Phil asks, like the answer determines everything.

This time its Dans turn to snort. "Like that's ever going to change. Rage-quit is a way of life."

Phil's laugher flutters around the air for the first time in years, and Dan feels his heart twitch at the sound. It feels like the tension between them has finally been broken. He watches Phil's eyes fill with life and Dan wishes he could take picture and freeze the moment in case he's never able to see it again.

When the moment passes they lapse into comfortable silence. The first comfortable moment between them that's been experienced in so long. Dan munches happily on his pasta, stealing little glances at Phil, and when Phil meets his eyes, he holds back a smile. He wouldn't change this moment for the world. It's not perfect, but it's better.

More than half the tub is finished as Phil moves away, putting his fork in the sink. "I think I'll head back to bed." He says, glancing at over at Dan. "See you in the morning?"

Dan nods. "Yeah, see you tomorrow."

Phil gives him a small smile before he filters out of the room and when Dan goes back to bed, it's all he's able to think about.

Sleep somehow isn't such a problem.

**xx**

**June 2011**

"You're buzzed."

Dan voice fills the air, giddy and mocking at the same time. The air outside is surprisingly warm for it being so many hours beyond midnight but that's not what makes walking home so pleasant.

"So are you." Phil replies, his hand is threaded through Dans, squeezing slightly in a teasing manor.

"My reputation is long gone." Dan retorts, thumb swirling over the back of Phils hand. Touching him is seriously addictive. "You on the other hand, have an innocent status to uphold."

Phil looks at him, eyebrow raised and a sparkle on his eye. "Innocent?"

It's exactly the response Dan's looking for, because when Phil drinks he's so easy to rile up.

"It's the pouty eyes and seemingly cute little smiles. Possibly also the occasional lion roar you somehow manage to work into conversations."

Everything Dan says is entirely true, Phil's the definition of everything cute and adorable in more than just Dan's slightly biased opinion. He's not exactly innocent though and Dan knows his teasing is getting to the older male easily.

"You practically scream 'I'm a virgin' with those-"

Dan loses his breath as his pushed against the brick wall, street light shining directly above him. Phil's lips tangle against his own and Dan's heart skips a beat as he feels Phil's hands slide up his shirt and over his chest, scraping at the skin with his nails.

"We both know that's not true."

Their breathings heavy; Phil's got lust ridden in his eyes and Dan thinks it's possibly a reflection of his own.

"You should probably prove it."

The only thing that fills Dan's mind is a promise to get Phil to drink more, often.

**xx**

"He's still got the same look, you know."

Dan's head snaps up from the dining table so fast that he's slightly worried about whip lash. "What are you talking about?"

"He's always had it. Even before you started dating, before everything happened. It's the same look, even now." PJ sets his cup down and Dan almost wonders if it's laced with something, because he doesn't understand what PJ is talking about.

"Look Peej, I really don't know what look you mean-"

"Jesus, Dan. I know you can see it too. Don't try and kid yourself. He looks at you with admiration and love, even after everything. It hasn't changed. He still adores you and it kills him." PJ looks at Dan so intently, and Dan's almost certain there is sorrow filling his eyes; he's not sure if it's for Phil or Dan himself.

He feels remorse, his life screw ups have acted like a catalyst. "It's not easy Peej, I didn't mean to hurt him or anyone-"

"I know Dan, but that doesn't change anything." PJ lets out a sigh, he's not mad but he has every right to be. "Nobody means to hurt anyone, and you hurt more than just Phil."

Dan can see it, as bright as day. When Dan left he shut more than just Phil out; he shut everyone out, including Chris and PJ. "I just…I couldn't handle it. The judgement, the knowing looks. Everyone looks at me like I'm so fragile. Like I made the toughest decision of my life. Every time they look at me, it's filled with sympathy and regret and I can't stand it, because I chose it. I left Phil and I left everything we had, including everyone we knew. I was ashamed, of everything I chose to do. I don't deserve anyone's kindness or their sympathy."

"We never thought any less of you, though." PJ proclaims, a tight smile forming on his lips and Dan knows it's because this this the first time he has ever really admitted to how he feels.

"Yeah, Peej. I know."

Maybe, if Dan's lucky, the guilt and shame will just swallow him up.

**xx**

It's been a week since Dan's seen Phil and he thinks that maybe; possibly he should stop thinking about the ebony hair male so much. He can't though.

Phil's everywhere Dan looks. Every item in Dan's apartment just screams _Phil_, it fills him with memories that he'd almost forgotten. It's almost like a knife to the chest, like everything has come back to the surface all at once and breathing seems almost impossible.

He misses Phil.

He misses Phil so much that thinking about how he fucked things up almost reduces him to tears.

Maybe it would have been better, if he just left things alone. If Chris hasn't interfered and just let Dan carry on in his own fucked up kind of misery. It would be better. Because he wouldn't remember Phils laugh in such avid detail, or how much his eyes light up when he get excited over the littlest, almost meaningless things.

The images fill Dan's head and _god fucking damn it_ he's so _stupid._

There is a solution, so obvious that Dan struggles to believe.

He sends the text so quickly that he doesn't even have time to question his decision.

_I'm sorry._

Phil's reply is almost instant.

_I know._

Dan's never said it before, but he's always felt it. So for the first time in a long time he cries, and after he's done, all he can do is think about how many times Phil cried because Dan was too afraid.

Dan chose wrong before, but he's going to make it right.

**xx**

It takes all of Dan's will power not to bolt when he knocks on Phil's door. His courage suddenly disappears as he hears shuffled footsteps head towards his current location. Maybe, he would be able to run away if he wasn't so frozen in fear of his current situation.

The first thing Dan sees is the look of confusion of Phil's face as he opens the door. "Dan?"

There is a pause as Dan sucks in a breath, pulling together the remaining pieces of his courage. "Um, hi."

"Is everything…okay?" Phil asks, confusion and surprise still evident on his voice, but there is an undertone of worry and Dan takes that as a good sign.

"I was wondering…well I mean, just, would it be okay if I came inside?"

Phil looks at him for a moment, nods and moves away from the doorway. It takes Dan a moment to process the whole situation, pausing slightly in the doorway. "You coming?"

"Yeah," Dan breathes, before following Phil up the stairs, though the hallway and into the lounge. There is another pause as Dan takes in the familiar territory. It's been so long since he's stepped into their old apartment, but it feels like yesterday. Some things are still the same, but not quite exactly how it was.

Phil doesn't say anything; he just looks at Dan, who fidgets with his fringe. It takes a moment for Dan to work up the courage; if he was alone he'd be pacing on the spot.

Dan sighs, his shoulders slumped slightly. "I'm…not even sure where to start."

He sees Phil swallow and his response is a little raspy, "anywhere."

That's all the encouragement Dan needs, the words pour out of him before he can even think. "I just, fuck, I just screwed everything up, I know it, everyone knows it. I thought that I was making the right choice, because I was so freaking afraid. Of everything, of judgement and losing my family and _god. _I couldn't have screwed up more and I'm _sorry._"

"Sorry doesn't change things." Phil replies, averting his eyes to different objects in the room.

"I know, but I was hoping that if I came round, maybe, we could just, I dunno, fix it? Fix something. I don't want things to be like this anymore."

"So what? You just expect to show up at my doorstep and what? Have everything go back to how it was. You walked out Dan, you made your decision and you left _us behind_." Phil's voice rises slightly and Dan does a double take, he's not sure if its anger or hysteria but Phil has never liked confrontation.

Dan's breath is caught in his throat and it takes all of his willpower to force out a sentence. "I had expectations Phil, I couldn't-"

"You couldn't what, Dan? Take a fucking chance?"

Silence fills the room, pressuring and dominant. Dan's eyes are wide, because Phil rarely swears, especially when he's angry. Dan hates himself. He's the one that's caused this whole mess, and he's so angry at himself for causing this whole fucked up situation.

His words are laced with anger and force, just as much as Phils are. "I took a chance. Dammit! But I couldn't...I had expectations. My family-"

Phil's voice suddenly sounds broken, tired and worn, like all the fight has been sucked out. "I get it, Dan...family. But I was your family. I was your best friend…I was your boyfriend. And I can't imagine how I'd feel if I was in your position. That your family couldn't accept you. But you let them walk all over you. It's not right, because I loved you and you just threw it all away. You threw everything away."

"Not anymore."

Phil's eyes are watery, hands twitching at his side because he _knows_.

"Phil-"

Dan suddenly losses all train of thought, because Phil kisses him, hot and desperate, full of unspoken words. Phil presses his tongue against Dans, sliding against each other in feverish passion; hands winding though his hair and all Dan can feel is _Phil._

Phil slides his hand under Dan's shirt as they pull away for air. Dan's panting heavily and everywhere Phil's hands run feel like fire. Dan arches into his touch, letting out a groan at the skin to skin contact before Phil pulls him in for another heated kiss.

"Contact," Dan mumbles into their kiss, his hands clawing at Phils back slightly. "Fuck I need more _contact_."

Dan tugs on Phils jeans in an attempt to pull them down; he needs more and apparently so does Phil. He feels so desperate and he lets out a small whine as Phil removes his hands and unbuttons his own jeans, before pulling them down with his boxers in one fluent moment, hastily doing the same to Dan as soon as he's done.

Dan plants kisses over Phil's collar bone, sucking hard enough to leave a mark. He lets his tongue glide over the skin, nipping slightly at the flesh as he goes.

Phil thrusts his hips forward, both males letting out loud groans at the touch of flesh. Dan pushes against Phil, rutting against each other desperately, moans falling in quick succession from his mouth.

"_Dan," _Phil whimpers, pushing the younger male further against the door. The hinges squeak in protest but neither boy can bring themselves to care. Dan's pulls Phil back for another kiss, lips moulding against each other perfectly.

Phil pushes his hips against Dan's hastily, and reaches a hand down, stroking both them together. His hand is slick with precome, sliding easily over both their erections and his eyes squeeze shut, loosing himself in the sensation. Dan has one hand tangled in Phil's hair, the other wondering his body, he feels Phil everywhere and it's possible he might just explode.

"Fuck _Phil_," Dan groans, his hips moving sloppily against Phils in hurried fashion. "Oh fuck Phil, I'm gonna-"

Phil flicks his wrist and moves his hands faster, feeling Dan tense as his orgasm hits him, his body trembling at the sensation. Phil strokes him through it, his own orgasm hitting him shortly after, spreading through him and making his toes curl.

Heavy breaths fill the air, and Dan can feel Phil's warm breath against his lips only millimetres away. Dan's fingers are tracing circles against Phil's hips, still craving the contact in a smaller way.

"I'm love with you." Phil admits, looking directly in Dan's dark brown eyes, foreheads resting against each other. It feels like everything that happened, has just come to a full circle.

Dan lets out a shaky chuckle. "Please don't tell me you only just realized that now."

Phil laughs and it sounds so freaking happy that Dan can't help but grin.

"No," Phil says. "I've known it for years."

And his grin gets bigger, because Dan's pretty sure that he has too.


End file.
